A goodbye to my old self…

So it is quite a humbling experience to be 31 years old and starting completely over. Now, I don’t care that I am 31… honestly I have never looked better and I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. BUT don’t get it twisted — starting over is a hard pill to swallow, especially being a Taurus who hates change (yes, I like astrology, what woman doesn’t?).

Let’s rewind a minute, I was living in New Orleans and made a family for myself. I was completely in love with the city and the people I was around. But after awhile, I knew my job in sales was not cutting it and that I needed to be challenged more. Also, my work environment was completely toxic and soul sucking to say the least. My best friend had decided to change things for herself, she left our beloved home to start over and do something new. As soon as she left, things got worse for me. I saw reality for the first time, I was completely unhappy. Even though, I loved my city and everything that came with it, I was still not happy with myself. I would look inward and I wasn’t enough. If those outside things (friends, going out etc.) were not around — I was completely lost. I kept wondering “wow, how long have I been like this? and just masking it with random things?”

I decided that I would follow in my best friends’ footsteps and do the same. I could always go back and I would always have my friends but I needed to start living my life to its fullest. It sounds corny but for a long time, I was addicted to such temporary things, people, and feelings to make me fulfilled. When you are relying on other things to make you feel good, those things fade away and you end up more alone. Now I wish I could say that my transition was smooth and started my journey to becoming a software engineer immediately after leaving New Orleans. It was the complete opposite. I had a full blown mental breakdown. I went to Buffalo to see family and I shut down… I think everything started to flow out of me. Everything I pushed down for 8 years was coming back up. It didn’t help I was in a somewhat toxic relationship but throughout 2020 I was just trying to get out of bed and shower. I lost weight, I fought with my family a lot, I ran back to New Orleans every other minute trying to relive my old life. I wanted to die and I made some plans to end my life. I had never been that low before and I wish I could tell you how I made it out of that gutter. It was a combination of things — allowing time to pass and honestly being in a pandemic was the least of my worries. Selfishly, I was happy that I didn’t have to see everyone outside living their best lives while I had to have my mom help me shower some days because I couldn’t do it alone.

Slowly, with the help of my family, friends, therapy, and prescribed Zoloft — I started awakening. And when I say slowly, I mean VERY slowly. Some weeks would be amazing, some weeks I felt like I “relapsed” and fell back into old habits. But I started coding and realized how much I loved it — now I am not going to say coding saved my life, but learning something new and feeling like even accomplishing how to write an if/else statement felt AMAZING. It was the first time since my competitive dance days that I felt I was of value. I felt proud of myself and like “damn I’m the shit!!’. I wanted to learn more and become better so I started to look up bootcamps and fell upon Flatiron School. I am now a full-time software engineer student and there are no words to describe how good I feel. I am so grateful for my journey up until this point and highkey I am SO excited for future me because shit is just getting started!!!

aspiring software engineer and bodycast artist. red wine addict. obsessed with vintage cars and jewelry.